DAGBOEK 10 juni 2016

Ik vind Floortje naar het einde van de wereld een geweldig programma! De aflevering waarin Floortje Maggie Doyne bezoekt in Nepal heeft veel indruk op mij gemaakt. Maggie gaat als 18-jarige na Highschool op wereldreis. Ze ontmoet een meisje van zes in Nepal. Het meisje breekt stenen uit een droge rivierbedding die ze voor enkele euro's verkoopt. Maggy wordt geraakt door de kracht die het meisje, ondanks de vreselijke leefomstandigheden, uitstraalt. Ze besluit om zich over Hima te ontfermen. Ze zorgt ervoor dat ze naar school kan, kleding en eten krijgt. En na Hima volgen er andere weeskinderen, met als resultaat Kopila Valley Children’s Home waar nu 50 kinderen wonen. Plus een school waar 350 kinderen les krijgen én een stichting.

Maggy ontroert, inspireert en maakt nederig. Ongelooflijk wat deze jonge vrouw voor elkaar krijgt! Kinderen die zich kunnen ontwikkelen, een thuis hebben en zich geliefd voelen. De vrolijkheid overheerst! Maggy vangt ook een baby van 5 dagen oud op. Het jongetje Ravi is op sterven na dood. Ze stort zich als een leeuwin op hem, neemt hem zelfs mee naar Amerika voor een medische behandeling en redt ook dit kind. Hij is dag en nacht bij haar en geeft haar op zijn beurt bergen liefde. Maggy houdt onvoorwaardelijk van hem.

En dan gebeurt het onvoorstelbare: hij overlijdt ten gevolge van een ongeluk. Zo maar. Hij is amper anderhalf jaar oud geworden.

Maggy is ontroostbaar.

Gisteren schreef ze sinds lange tijd weer een stukje op de facebookpagina van Blink Now, de stichting die ze heeft opgericht:

"I know it’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve tried so many times but it's felt like I needed to be in a cocoon for a while. The only way to describe my grieving process lately is waves. Some moments are harder than others. The waves come and hit again and again while I try to stand and hope that they don’t knock me completely off my feet. It’s taken all of my emotional energy to get back into a routine with my children and to be a mom again. I’ve really only been able to do this in the past few weeks and definitely at a different pace and in a much different light. I realize the reason this has been so hard is because I love Ravi so much. It will be hard forever. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything and living without him still feels wrong and it still hurts more than any pain I’ve ever known. It hurts every minute of the day. The day that Ravi died and I held him in my arms, most of my spirit died with him. It’s been the fight of my life to get it back. It kind of feels like starting from scratch. Everything I knew and loved and held sacred disappeared into thin air and I had to start all over and begin again. I’ve had to learn to walk, and eat, and sleep, and smile and dance, and read, and work. I’ve had to learn how to love and trust and believe again.
In our home he was our baby, our joy, our laughter and our sweetness. Everything was better with him around. There’s a hole that won’t ever be the same but like I keep telling myself each and every moment, it doesn’t mean the joy or the sweetness in our family needs to die too. On facebook and instagram you’ll see me laughing and being silly and trying with everything in me to be a mom fighting to make our home and our family what it once was. What you don’t see is me hurled over in fetal position or crying myself to sleep or how I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night. You don’t see the days I can barely get out of bed, or how my eyes constantly tear up all throughout the day. I feel like I need to be honest about those moments too. This is really awfully terribly hard and it’s the absolute last thing on earth I want to be doing. It feels impossible. I want him back so bad. I want to travel back in time and change everything that happened. Sometimes when I catch myself smiling or standing or in a meeting and functioning again, I’ll think, “how am I doing this right now?” How is this even possible? How am I still breathing?” I never in a million years thought I would have been able to live without Ravi. It’s been the most difficult journey but I’m doing it. Step by step.
A while back when I was at my darkest hour I made a choice that I would live again. I’m getting there with a lot of support and therapy and love. Love has really been the thing that's helped me heal. I have many moments where I get stuck and all I can say is thank goodness I have my team and my wonderful kids. There’s been a lot of learning in this that I’ll share some day when I feel I can. The worst most difficult kind of learning.
Gosh, I didn’t intend for this post to be depressing. I’ve been guided and embraced by somuch love and surrounded by guardian angels, and all of you. I live each day with a deep knowing that at any moment this could all be over and I hold my children and the people I love closer for it. I try to live more and love more and carry my sweet baby’s heart in mine, but goodness how I wish he was here. The word miss won’t ever be enough."